What’s your communication style?

Some of us are great talkers, able to articulate our thoughts and wishes well. Some of us avoid confrontation because of the anxiety it gives us. We are both effective and ineffective when using our words. We might know what to say or what needs to be said, but the way in which we say it sometimes doesn’t fit.

This is the crux of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High. It deals exclusively with arming the average person with tools necessary for taking on life’s most difficult and important conversations. What denotes a crucial conversation? When opinions vary, or stakes are high and each party has a strong emotional attachment to the subject matter, you will need different tools to navigate the conversation.

Have you ever spoken to somebody who wasn’t good with words? Perhaps you were having a very serious conversation about a loved one, and the words of the other person were meant to console you but only ended up pinging your anger because the person you’re talking about means a lot to you. Maybe you tried to reason with yourself and let yourself know that he or she meant well, but the damage was already done. You had already had a negative experience with the conversation.

We don’t always know how to approach a subject, even when we want to speak with care on important issues. Our bodies react first, whether we like it or not. We’re then caught between maintaining a lie to save a friendship or telling the truth for our own peace of mind. This internal split is what makes us choose the wrong words in a conversation; it’s what turns a conversation into an argument.

When we evoke our empathy, that is when it’s easiest for us to put ourselves in the shoes of another and choose our words carefully. However, if your communication style is normally brash or blunt, it’s naturally harder to develop the softness needed for certain situations. But that doesn’t mean you can give up. One of the best tools for talking in crucial conversations? Committing to a mutual purpose with your speaker. You know what your speaker is passionate about, but how can you attempt to find middle ground when you are also passionate?

Aim to explore facts and you will find yourself opening up the conversation. Once you’re able to open it up and explore other possibilities, you strip away some of the emotional factor and can bring yourself to a place where you and your speaker can have a discussion. Being a passionate speaker is not a bad thing, because it can show interest in others and empathy for the world. But at times, in crucial conversations, we might need to hear more than our own voice. We might need to entertain the ideas of others in order to open up our horizons and see things as they do. For a deeper understanding of each other, we must try harder with ourselves.